This blog has had the most edits of any blog I have ever written. It is a difficult topic to write about but mostly it just wouldn’t stop writing itself. Seriously. Online dating is the gift that keeps on giving. If I was the journalist in a Hallmark movie tasked to write about my dating experiences I would have a whole column by now. How to lose a guy in ten days? No problem to me.
The recovery from surgery was a long one and I was off work for about 2-3 months. In that time I did a lot of reflecting on what had happened to me.
During my time off a family member was involved in an accident and before I knew it I was surrounded by the familiar sound of beeping hospital machines and a blurred sea of green fashioned as indoor décor. Instead of someone leaning over my bedside, I was leaning over theirs offering water to cope with the dryness induced by the oxygen mask.
I met up with my boss for lunch one day and I remember going over the events of the accident. Suddenly I couldn’t tell him when I was going to return to work. It was as if the hospital visit had retraumatised me. I explained that I wasn’t ready to return to work just yet – but instead of explaining that I thought I was a bit mentally injured, I said that my physical wound hadn’t yet healed.
I have found it hard to write recently. But I also don’t know how to start this part of the story so maybe a part of me has been putting it off. When I started writing this blog I thought that this was going to be a story of struggle but eventual triumph. I thought that I had life all figured out and that I was going to write a lovely ending tied up in a bow. I would have my ending of the Paradise video where the Elephant finds its tribe and loves life. What I have discovered, is that life is full of twists and turns. The goal is to be able to live a happy and fulfilled life along with the dips on the road and to recognise that they are just that, dips, and not permanent situations. I was doing really well with my Narcolepsy management but recently I have felt like I’m going backwards. I am still not over the fact that I can’t drive at the moment. It’s a helpless feeling, I know I will get there again but the path to doing so feels like Everest right now. I’m also hyper sensitive to the fact that I turn 30 this year. The feeling of expectation of where I ‘should’ be weighs heavy on my shoulders. Yes I should be grateful and comparison is the thief of joy etc etc. But all I feel is raw anger. Like I’m in a bad dream that I can’t get out of. I reflect on the years lost to sleep and I want to fill them with achievements instead. I did achieve, but not in the way I wanted.
Narcolepsy is: A Sleep disorderNeurologicalAutoimmuneGenetic Causes of Narcolepsy It is an autoimmune condition in that an immune response generated antibodies due to a threat in…
That first night on the ward was rough. During the day there were lots of staff on and it wasn’t too bad in terms of getting pain relief. The night was a whole different thing.
I awoke with the same searing pain that I had on that first night. Now..instead of pressing the nurse button, I would say I sat for a good hour and quietly wished it away. For one thing I was EXHAUSTED and I really needed sleep. You know like in the middle of the night when you need to pee – but this was worse. The pain continued to intensify and eventually I pressed the button. As I heard the bell echo around the nurse’s station I became aware at how silent the ward was. During the day, the nurses buzzed around the station, answering calls and attending to the growing mass of patients under their care. This time though, the bell wasn’t answered – the tinny sound hung in the air and then eventually stopped. I blinked. Ok – don’t panic – I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for this. They are probably with another patient. Maybe they are having a meeting. Wait no why would they be having a meeting in the middle of the night. I get frustrated as I try to remember who was on the ward that night but at my last OBs check I was half asleep – but how were you asleep getting your blood pressure done?? I’ve got Narcolepsy people…I can sleep through anything.
I sometimes wonder to myself why I bother to torture myself by talking about all of this. There are so many painful memories that also conjure up those feelings again. Feeling lost, feeling a failure, feeling embarrassed. I don’t know why or where this will lead by sharing this but I do know that by shaking out all the skeletons in my closet, somewhere along the line I will start moving on from this. I will always remember how I felt but I now feel like I am taking a corner. I am looking forward more than I am looking back and that has to be a good thing. I am making peace with the past – one ramble at a time.