2024 – The year of ‘demolish’

When setting my goals for the year I had set quite a high bar and my word for the year was ‘build’ i.e. build on the good habits that I formed in 2023. I should have put my word as ‘demolish’ instead, as to be honest that’s how 2024 has felt, uncomfortable and destructive. Whilst this is how I have felt, I know that the reason for my discomfort is because I was actually growing. Even though it really doesn’t feel like it at times. There have been a few things that have kept me feeling stuck…. I have some positives in here too but I want to paint a picture of why I was so absent on my blog and podcast.

Setting healthy boundaries

Last year I began to set more boundaries around how I dealt with Narcolepsy, particularly with friends and family. If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that I have tried a number of different things to help me cope with this condition. One that I find really helpful is routine. Due to the need for me to nap during the day and recover some of the sleep debt, routine helps me to plan out my day around it and prevent me from burning out trying to do everything at once. I have tried a number of routines over the years until I found one that actually helps. A big factor in this is having flexibility and being able to change and adapt if needed. The strict routines didn’t always work on days where I was completely delirious with exhaustion so I had to kind of create routines to suit energy levels. I now live alone and so on my own I feel like I can stick to my routine and maintain it.  However, no human can live without any social interaction and this is where my boundaries were really put to the test. It is one thing to set a strict nap when you are in charge of your day, it is another thing when you have social obligations to fit around that. It is easier from a people pleasing perspective to deprioritise your needs and instead go with the plan that suits the other person best.

It’s difficult to talk about this topic as I don’t mind sharing my feelings but when it involves another person it can be hard to navigate as not everyone is as open. I need to give enough information about the situation to help someone in a similar position, without including so much detail that makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Even though not everyone deserves such consideration, I always try to think about the purpose of the blog and what I am trying to convey to the reader, who may have Narcolepsy and is struggling to adjust due to social obligations. Rather than a he said she said scenario. Believe me, conflict does not make me feel comfortable at all, but I do think that if you are trying to say yes to everything and giving up the things that help you cope then it is actually essential that you begin to learn to say no, despite how the other person reacts (which for me was the hardest part).

This is the paragraph where I went into detail about what happened but upon reflection I decided to remove it as I had gotten out the anger but didn’t feel like bringing that to this blog. This blog is for you , the reader, who will be struggling in ways both similar and different to me.  The rant didn’t add any value. The learning point is that whilst setting healthy boundaries is super uncomfortable, they are necessary for your health. Despite having a terrible time with that boundary,  it actually helped me to set boundaries in other areas and not feel the horrible guilt. One of which is that I shortened my working week to 4 days and this has been fundamental in me getting back to myself. 

Medication Withdrawal

Since moving to a different medication combination I have seen big improvements in my energy and wakefulness during the day. After the friend breakup I threw myself back into the gym and for once I felt like I was making progress. I had been going to a boxing gym for about 9 months at this point and felt like finally my medication was working well for me. This was until there was a shortage of the medication. On the first occasion my whole script was delayed and despite one being available they held the entire monthly batch. Twice this year I was put into withdrawal which is what happens when the medication runs out and your body struggles to function due to the deficit. For me it was headaches, brain zaps, mood fluctuations, exhaustion and generally just feeling all over the place. When you are on a SSRI medication your brain is getting a good supply of serotonin which was prescribed to suppress the excess of REM sleep that I experience and also reduced my anxiety as a secondary effect. So when this was stripped away it just made me feel super down and anxious. 

Total burnout/exhaustion/depression

This is when shit kinda hit the fan. Not even kinda, like majorly. I wasn’t able to go the gym anymore because i felt like i literally couldn’t lift my head. My mood wasn’t great anyway due to the whole serotonin deficit but without the gym it just plummeted. I felt like I had failed…AGAIN.  I’d love to say i just bounced back out of this but it took hold of me from February – June. Even when i was back on the medication I just felt like I had went through the mill mentally and it’s odd when you’re on an anti-depressant, your emotional reactions are dulled and I felt a wee bit docile. When I was in withdrawal it felt like a lot of emotions that I was happily ignoring burst through the surface and it wasn’t comfy.  I thought that maybe I was doing a good thing for myself by reducing the need to push forward with my career goals. But honestly, when I came off the meds it felt like an enchantment had worn off. The one keeping me from my goals and ambitions. I stopped trying to move the needle and had fallen into a slump. I hated the medication withdrawal but I do think it was useful in making me realise how I really and truly felt. And that was totally and utterly exhausted and fed up.

The New Pattern

Change is never easy. Especially when you are someone who thrives on routine and predictability. But despite me riling against it, something had to be done, I couldn’t continue masking and pretending everything was ok. I was exhausted and felt like all I ever did was sleep and work. My motivation was just to survive each day, I didn’t have any mental space to set goals and I wasn’t making time to do things I enjoy. I felt fearful that I was starting to give up and despite my brain trying to push me harder to do more and more I eventually made the difficult decision to reduce my work hours.  I have been working four days since then and I am starting to feel like I am coming back to myself.  The fact this blog has even been posted is evidence of that. However clunky it feels to be trying to put it together, at least I now have the motivation to try. So yeah – yay blog writing.

Things I’m Proud of

During this hazy time I am still proud that I was able to make little attempts and steps towards my career goals.

Setting up my Etsy store

I wouldn’t say I am super creative by any means but I have been working on a few things for a number of years that I have felt a little imposter-syndromey (not a phrase but you get me) about sharing. I have always loved stationery and as part of coping with Narcolepsy I turned to journalling to try and make sense of what was happening to me. I quickly realised that there wasn’t a journal that totally fitted with what I needed so I decided to design one myself.  I still want to tweak it a little but in the meantime I did a few greeting cards, postcards and printables. You can check out my Etsy store ‘Creations by Christine’ below:

CreatebyChristineCo – Etsy UK

Podcast Episode

I was a guest on the podcast ‘Narcolepsy Navigators’ during this time. The day of recording I was having a rough day and was worried that this would come across on the podcast, but I am actually quite happy with how it turned out.  Thanks for having me 🙂 check it out below:

 

Recording Season 2 of Mind Your Sleep

I’m happy to say that we have begun recording Season 2 of Mind Your Sleep. Excited to post our first episode soon! We actually rerecorded our intro episode today. If you haven’t listened to Season 1 you can do so on Spotify and stay tuned for Season 2:

 

I started this blog talking about boundaries and even though it is so difficult to do sometimes, it is the most important thing for managing Narcolepsy.  It can be hard to say that you need things that others don’t, but at the same time, other people also get high quality deep sleep that we never ever get. I know it can feel weird and awkward but it is absolutely essential that you begin advocating for yourself. Otherwise you end up in a never ending symptom flare, which trust me, is much worse than a few people being pissed off they didn’t get their way. On a happier note there were a few lovely personal milestones, weddings mixed in there and a holiday to majorca so it wasn’t allll bad but I just wanted to explain in this blog what’s been happening since you last read my little rambles.

Sleepy regards,

thegirlwhoranawayinhersleep 

xoxo

 

 

 

 

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